How did I get picked to be a fake girlfriend you ask? Maybe it is because I am awesome, wholly bootylicious, intelligent, beautiful and pretty much bangable hot. What? I can’t indulge in a little vanity. Mindy Kaling says it is alright to do so.
I enjoy male company, not because I have anything against females but I find guys are for the most part non-judgmental or maybe I just like opposites. Either way I was shocked to discover that three quarters of my phone book is filled with guys’ names and numbers. Having loads of male friends is dangerous territory what with having to draw boundaries, delicately handling sexual advances most of the time (but hey who doesn’t like the attention?) and pretty much having to explain to the boyfriend why all the friends he meets are males who are affectionate in a way that could start a Vikings tavern fight.
The extras on the other hand are endless. I finally have someone or people I can argue with about Anime, Doctor Who, Star Trek, soccer, wrestling, restaurants with the best ribs and all kinds of nerdy dork stuff females wouldn’t care about. The most surprising perk of all is being a pretend girlfriend.
I first became a fake girlfriend quite accidentally actually. On a hot Saturday afternoon, a dread locked haired friend and I were having ice cream sundaes at Café Javas (damn! Now I am hungry) when were descended upon by his parents. By the look of shock on his face, he had not expected to see them and neither did I imagine suddenly being enveloped into a cloud of perfume by his mother.
“You must be his girlfriend,” she exclaimed. “It is so nice to finally meet you. Where has this one been hiding you?”
I was dumbfounded and sneaking a look at Aaron’s anxious face epiphany struck. Smiling I wiggled my way out his mother’s embrace while reaching for his hand, “We are still getting to know each other better. My boyfriend didn’t tell me he had such amazing parents”. His parents beamed and promptly sat down to linger some more (well more like interrogate me).
Tale spins and half-truths later I could tell they were in love with me (what? I can be charming when I want to) and before they hurried off I saw Aaron’s father out of the corner of my eye slip a golden yellow note into his son’s hand. Aaron slid back into the booth with a sheepish smile, mouthed a brief thank you and returned to his already melting sundae. I laughed, a loud unfeminine sound that brought a look of disapproval from the Arab woman seated on the next table.
“Well you did say they have been setting you up on a lot of blind dates. Consider this your get-out-of-jail free card. Now that they know you have a girlfriend you are home free. You can ‘fake’ dump me later.”
He turned to me, eyebrows raised and we simultaneously both cackled; the rest of the afternoon was spent animatedly discussing how we managed pulled off such a diabolical scheme.
After that it was like the flood gates opened and before I knew it I was swamped in the whirlwind of being a fake girlfriend every other day for friends who found themselves in a ‘girl fix’. Once, a friend dragged me to a party to make an ex-girlfriend jealous, another to all his office gatherings, another as a fake fiancée to have an arranged marriage halted.
On one occasion a friend neighbor rung me at around 11 pm to come to save him from an ex-girlfriend who had somehow discovered his new abode and had refused to leave to until he let her in. Looking back I realize how ridiculously funny these situations have been. Imagine what an interesting dinner guest I would make.
Now for the real perks; In my line of duty as a fake girlfriend I have had the most amazing adventures, attended events I didn’t even know existed, got free tickets to coveted happenings, had behind-the-scenes tours, sampled unpronounceable cuisines, collected goody bags, partaken of spur-of-the-moment road trips and made a lot more cool friends.
Is it horrible to deceive people? Obviously. Do I enjoy myself? Abso-freaking-lutely! I love my friends, they are like family to me and I would do anything for them. These guys have had and always have my back. Besides there is something wickedly delicious bonding about conspiracy and secrets that even Eli Pope from Scandal couldn’t get a high from.
But all this is in the past. I hang up my kitty gloves and suspended all sham girlfriend excursions, abridged now to sharing the adventures over shots of whisky. I mean it can’t just be me, got any fake girlfriend / boyfriend stories?
PS: No hanky panky perks inclusive